Monday Morning Meditation #20: Be Not Afraid of Intimacy with God

Continuing through the book of Deuteronomy, I was stopped -- I cannot say that the action was reflexive: I did not stop myself -- and while I could not figure out what I could possibly write for a MMM on the verse, somehow I could not get past the 21st verse of chapter 7: "Thou shalt not be affrighted at them; for the LORD thy God is in the midst of thee, a God great and awful." The verse referred to God's tasking of the Israelites to take on the tribes living in the Promised Land, and I assume the translation of the original Hebrew word as "awful" might be better translated today as "awesome."

Reading: Deuteronomy 7:21

Meditation: For the life of me, at midnight, which is when I usually write the MMM, I could not figure out what the significance of this verse was. I thought about all the times I have championed a minority group or an individual in trouble. "Lord, are you stopping me because there is something important to say about moral courage, about the willingness to take on the tasks that you give, no matter how large, unpopular, or frightening they appear to be?" I asked. That seemed liked a good theme to me, one completely related to what was being asked of the Israelites and one that reflected their seeming state of mind. But no, whenever I started thinking in that direction, I encountered a mental block. So, I asked God to enlighten me while I slept, slipped into contemplative prayer briefly, and then slipped into a deep sleep. (That happens to me often during contemplative prayer, and I just hope that God will take me in whatever way He can get me -- conscious or unconscious!)

When the alarm woke me up this morning, my brain was every bit as addled as the night before although my body was quite rested. I fed the cats while Donnie slept, and then settled into the Jesus prayer that I sometimes use for contemplation, especially in the morning. For me, this prayer is less an action and more a way of being together with God. Usually, very quickly my concentration on words disappears (as do the words themselves), and I find myself in a state of contemplation that is difficult to describe in words.

As happens far too often, as the moment of pure intimacy with God slipped over me, I pulled back, and I instantly realized that this is what the verse I could not get past was saying to me. It had nothing to do with the literal meaning of encouraging the Israelites to be brave, given the presence of God among them. Likewise, it had nothing to do with what I first thought about having moral courage to speak up and take on battles today that challenge unethical, unkind, and immoral situations we find in our lives, given that God will be with us during the battle. That which seemed to make sense is not what was stopping me at that verse but rather a different kind of fear that sometimes creeps into my life: the fear of losing control of my conscious self through greater intimacy with God.

I could guess at the psychological reasons behind my withdrawal from God at the moments of greatest intimacy, and I might actually be right. I wonder how other adults who were physically and sexually abused as children accept spiritual intimacy? When I do fully accept it, I usually find later that I have had tears running down my face. So, I now understand that verse in Deuteronomy not as literal or even parallel to similar situations today, but as allegorical, educating me, in this case, about my own reaction to those times when I am very aware that a "great and awful [awesome] God" is "in my midst." As much as I trust God to take care of my life -- I truly do for He always has -- I sometimes (too often, given all God's kindness to me) throw up a protective barrier when He approaches very, very close. I hope that this interpretation (or allegorical application) of today's verse was meant to be as instructive to others as it was to me, for certainly I have been led to a non-literal understanding, but an important one for me: God in our midst should not frighten us, but encourage us; we should welcome, not reject, God's desire to be in our lives and of our lives.

And that is far as I can go with you on this Monday morning. I must retire to prayer to repent for all those times that I have pulled back, to thank God for patience in continuing to bless me with His presence in spite of my reticence sometimes in fully accepting it, especially physically, to give praise for His incredible desire and willingness to be with me/us, no matter how insignificant or even sinful we are (the penitence service tonight will help), and to request God to give me greater trust when it comes to intimacy with Him.

After that, I will again spend some time in contemplation (briefly for I am now working on being late for work, but often in such cases where I have to cut contemplation short, I end up in a contemplative state from time to time throughout the working day, and that, for certain, is not bad).

I will now leave you to your prayer and contemplation, but first, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I hope you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts.

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of devotional blogs that follow the enumeration of Monday Morning Meditations on the sidebar of this blog and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Have a good day and a good week, remembering that God is with us always -- and that should bring us not fear but great joy!