Come Walk with Me

Many thanks to readers who commented on my post, The Price of Success. You gave me much upon which to reflect, including some ideas I had not considered, as I pondered how to respond to the fact that my job, as I know and love it, is going away. Not that I wanted this job to begin with. No, this job was God's idea, not mine. However, I have since made the job mine. I realized that when I learned that the job would take on such a different character.

I thought about a number of approaches I could take, and leaving was right up there at the top of the list. I noticed that some folks worried that I might leave; well, they'll cope, I figured. Of course, they would. But that is not the issue. I have been their scaffolding, and removing scaffolding all at once instead of bit by bit can cause even the most beautifully constructed buildings to collapse. I was not thinking of that, though, in the latter days of last week. I was not thinking of anyone's collapse except my own. I was angry, too, in some ways. I have spent four years building this division from a ragtag collection of people trying to learn to do international work to a pretty highly respected set of departments that has more than doubled in size since I came and is set to explode by fall to 350% of what it was. Although I was told that the split was being occasioned by success, not failure, there was a part of me that considered the split a vote of no confidence even though logically and by everything that has been said to me I know that is silly.

I also wondered where God fit into all of this. He sent me to a job, then let the job be fractured and me shunted off to work with only a portion of the projects I had developed -- and for someone to be placed above me who would do the international negotiating and representation while I made sure that the work got done well. Unfair! Or was this a sign that it really was time for me to move on? Had I completed my task? Early on, I was getting no answers to my pleas for clarification. Or, if I was, I was unaware. I am not good at subtle discernment. I need that conk on the head kind of of clarification.

I got it. A gentle conk. Friday evening as I was driving home from work, still distraught and again begging for guidance, I heard a gentle "Come walk with Me." Huh? It has been some time since I have taken my nightly walks around the mission. I have been coming home later and later from work (that growth and success has demanded more and more of my time) and have been too tired or had too many other chores to accomplish. I have missed them, those quiet times with God, just walking and talking, walking and listening, and walking in silence. Of course, I will come walk again, especially when coaxed in that gentle manner which I felt in the words, "Come walk with me."

And so, when I reached home, I grabbed something to eat, then put on a light jacket (summer evenings in our part of California are cool, even cold), and headed out the door for that walk. It felt so good to again be in that Presence in the twilight hours when there were few sounds and little light to distract me from enjoying the Company. I walked and walked, and I was not alone for any of that walk. Finally, I understood. Whatever the purpose for me to take this job four years ago, there is a purpose for me to retain it now. I don't know whether the two purposes coincide, but I do know one very important thing. I had been asking all the wrong questions, looking for the wrong kind of guidance, reasoning through the situation with the wrong kind of logic. You see, I thought the issue was about me -- what I should do, where I should work, what kinds of goals I should have, how I should respond. I learned on that walk that it is not about me at all.

It's about those will be most affected. It is about the nervous newbies whose hands I have held, the heavily burdened have used my open-door policy to bring family and personal matters to my attention and seek support and advice, and and the junior managers have looked to me for mentoring. Someone else will have to do that now, but who will facilitate the transition if I do not stay and do that? It is about the department that was planned to be broken apart -- I have already been able to snuff out that plan. It is about the department planned to be transferred to a division head who would derail its success and growth for reasons of lack of knowledge and the skills to continue its support -- I have already been able to get it transferred to another division head instead. I would like to have kept these departments. They were two of my favorites, and their successes have been outstanding. Now two of my peers will oversee the continued success of these projects. Sigh! My ego would like to feel injured, abused. But my ego does not have a role here. I insist that my managers use a servant leadership approach. So must I. In that approach, there is no room for the ego, and so, too, my ego must be pushed aside for the sake of those who need my help.

As for the long run, we shall see what happens. Two years remain until all the transitions are complete and I get "demoted" into reporting to an intermediary and not directly to my current boss, before the new guy gets to handle all the glory and I get to handle all the problems. There may be options in the long run. There are usually options. The critical thing is what God wants from me. I think I can rest assured that if I start to stray again from the path He would have me take, I will get another call to "Come walk with Me."

Monday Morning Meditation #23: God Chooses Whom He Wills

Writing this week's MMM is a sheer pleasure, coming on the heels of my attending the Sunday noon Mass at Old Mission. The Sunday noon Mass is in Spanish, and it generally is packed. It was no different this time, except that I arrived just a couple of minutes late and so felt the full impact of being in an overflowing church. All seats were taken, and standing room was shoulder-to-shoulder, back-to-front, hardly any squeezing-through room and only a little more than that of breathing room. The unheated church on a cold winter day was warmed to a comfortable temperature by all the bodies, including that of Phinean, Fr. Ed's adopted feral black cat, who was sleeping contentedly in the creche. Mixed emotions coursed through me: (1) the wonderful sense of community in seeing so many people coming together in worship and (2) the difficult of hearing through the crowd our multilingual priest, Fr. Milich, who celebrates the Latin Mass and substitutes when needed for other priests for the Spanish and English Masses, along with the distractions from enjoying God's presence that came from the constant movement among the standing crowd as people made way for other people, children squirmed, and parents adjusted their babies' positions. Nonetheless, everyone was in a supportive mood. That, along with the deep spirituality of the Spanish Mass in general, led to a warm feeling of well-being that remained with me the rest of the day. Now, I hope I can pass along that same feeling to readers and retain it myself as the Monday slew of high-stress meetings at work hits in just a few hours.

I read more chapters in Joshua. (Thank you, readers, who have told me that Joshua is one of your favorite books. That has helped me to savor it more and to spend more time looking under the surface a bit more than I might otherwise do as I read.) I read as far as the story of Rahab, the woman who saved Joshua's two spies who were conducting reconnaisance prior to the battle of Jericho. At the end of the story, where Joshua's men save Rahab and her extended family in return, I particularly noticed the Biblical description of this woman: "But Rahab the harlot, and her father's household, and all that she had, did Joshua save alive; and she dwelt in the midst of Israel, unto this day; because she hid the messengers, whom Joshua sent to spy out Jericho." The harlot?

Reading: Joshua 6:25

Meditation: God ensured that Joshua's men saved a harlot? Is not a harlot an unredeemable sinner? I have noticed as I have learned more about Christian and Jewish history that God uses the less-than-perfect people of the world to carry out His will. So often I have asked, "Why me? There are so many who are better suited or more qualified or even at times, it would seem, more willing (or at least, a little smarter at recognizing an 'assignment')!" Then I look at those whom God has chosen in the past: orphans, fishermen, fraidy cats, persecuters, and, yes, harlots. It would appear that God is not looking for someone "special" but for someone "common," even an inveterate sinner.

After my conversion, I did a careful review of my life and found many occasions where God had used me as a Good Samaritan to help someone in need or as the stage hand putting into place some small setting leading to a miracle (e.g., taking Shura to a moleibin [prayer service prior to a significant life event] prior to his surgery, where he meet in a surprising way the only person, otherwise unreachable, who could solve his immigration issues). Why on earth, I wondered, would God use an atheist as an instrument. After all, I did not even notice the miracles although others around me did, and when others pointed them out, I would try to find some other explanation although I was never successful at finding a satisfactory one. Still, I would ignore the miracle and label it serendipity, happenstance, chance, luck, and the like. So, why would God even want to involve me in His wondrous work? The Book of Privy Counseling, which is my favorite spiritual book, gave me an answer that rings true because of its simplicity. "Why would God use an atheist?" asks the book's unknown author, who answers his/her own question with three words: "Because He can." How aptly those three words speak to the remarkable power of God!

As for the person who is willing to listen and carry out God's will (even if the obedience is not fully conscious, as in my case until recent years), in most of the cases with which I am acquainted that person's life subsequently becomes uncommon as a result of trusting and obeying God. Following God, I have personally found out, leads one into terra incognita and introduces one to all kinds of people and places. Perhaps that is the reward for obedience, or perhaps it is a kind of faith formation. Maybe it is both. In any event, one is never the same again after having been an instrument of God's choosing.

And that is far as I can go with you on this Monday morning. I must retire to prayer to repent for those times that I have been too dumb to recognize God's leading me to something that He needs accomplished, to thank God for my life and the ways in which He has changed and enriched it, and to give praise for the extraordinary power that allows Him to use even the least of people as His instruments and His uncommon kindness in choosing those that others would not choose. After that, I will spend time in contemplation, which I eagerly anticipate -- how delicious to spend time with a great Someone who loves and chooses a flawed person like me, who wants to spend time with me even though I have so little to give in return.

I will now leave you to your prayer and contemplation, but first, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I hope you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts.

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of devotional blogs that follow the enumeration of Monday Morning Meditations on the sidebar of this blog and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Monday Morning Meditation #17: I Am the Lord Your God

I have now slowed to a crawl through the chapters of Numbers. Who would have thought this particular book would be so rich and interesting? In the verses leading up to 15:41, which says, "I am the Lord your God," much takes place in quick order. Israeli spies are sent, in accordance with God's instructions to Moses, to look at the land of Canaan for the purpose of possessing it; this is the land of milk and honey which had been promised to them. While the land was good, the spies found the people living there to be formidable, and, not trusting God implicitly and fully to fulfill His promise, all but two (Joshua and Caleb) became afraid and tried to dissuade the people from doing God's will by spreading lies about the land, e.g., that the land "eats its inhabitants." Upon hearing these lies, the people of Israel began to complain and back off from their forward movement, even going so far as saying that they wanted to return to Egypt. This angered God, but Moses appealed to God to forgive the Israelites yet another time, and God did. There were, however, consequences. The Israelites' punishment was to be 40 years in the wilderness, and with the exception of Joshua and Caleb, who had urged the people not to rebel against God and to fear nothing because God would be with them, only the successive generation would be allowed to enter the promised land. God then killed the lying spies by the plague, and Moses told the remaining people, who had changed their minds and now wanted the promised land, not to go up the mountain because the Lord was not with them. They went nonetheless (in the words of Numbers, they presumed to go), and, as a result, they were smitten by the Amalekites and Canaanites.

Reading: Numbers 15:41

Meditation: Part of the Lord's prayer asks that God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Also, we often pray that in any given situation that God's will be done. Sometimes those are meaningful words when we say them; sometimes they are empty. Clearly, according to this passage, God's volition will be done, no matter what, but how much better it would be if we were to do it without pressure, with gladness in our hearts, in contrast to the rebellion of the Israelites. Our lives would not necessarily be easier, not less filled with sorrow, but we would have a certain peace, not obtainable any other way, in accepting, like Job did, the will of God. Recently, I was struck by the extraordinary submission to God's will evidenced by one of the followers of my blog, Debbie, who lost her daughter, Amy Dawn (who had been on my prayer list for months), to cancer. I cannot come close to describing the depth of her faith that can serve as a model for all of us, so I will suggest that you read her words for yourself at her blog: There's an Angel on My Front Porch.

What happens, however, when unlike Debbie, we do not submit to the will of God, when we disobey God? Punishment! For the Israelites, it was 40 years to be spent in the wilderness. Now, perhaps that was not a punitive response, but an instructive one. In those 40 years, they Israelites would have to learn to rely on God for there is little to rely on in the wildernesss for that number of people. Yes, the Bedouins manage fine -- I know, I spent a week with them two years ago in that same wilderness of the wandering Israelites and quite understand how easy it could be never to find one's way back out, all the sand looking alike -- but the Israelites were there before the days of modern vehicles and domesticated camels. While there have been times in the Old Testament when God's punishment has been fierce and final, in the case of the 40 years in the desert, a certain amount of "faith formation" could take place if the Israelis were, in the long run, willing. (To comment on that, I will have to read further -- although we all do know the ending of this story.)

What happens when we try to do something when God is not with us? This is another question raised by these chapters, and the answer is quite clear: we fail! When the Israelites presumed that they could fight without God, those who went to the mountaintop were slaughtered. Oh, so many times, I have made a decision at work or planned to do something without first praying about it, and likely as not it has failed. When I later pray about it, a good result ensues. I hate being a slow learner like this, but, alas, I am. One of the most dramatic cases occurred a number of years ago when an action I took -- not prayed about because I was an atheist then -- resulted in a lawsuit against my organization and me, and the plaintiff won. The organization (thankfully, a forgiving one) had to pay tens of thousands of dollars for my mistake. Then, when I had left the organization and returned years later, I found that this individual had been promoted to a collegial level, and now I would have to interact with him on a regular basis. I forgave him for that lawsuit and made it clear that I had done so; that occurred at a time after my conversion when God was teaching me about forgiveness. As a result, this person has not only forgiven me in return and become a good colleague; he has become one of my greatest fans and touts his fanhood far and wide.

What happens when someone tries to thwart the will of God? Well, in yet another lesson from these chapters, it would appear that the individual disappears. That is what happened to all the lying spies who tried to prevent the people from fulfilling God's plan for them to acquire the land of the Canaanites. Away they went, succumbing to the plague. Away, too, went an obstreperous doctor in Russia when, after I had obtained the agreement of the U.S. Embassy in Moscow that Katya (Tanya), an ill, blind orphan, deserved to be and would be issued a visa (and eventually was -- see the section on recent prayers answered in the sidebar), the doctor refused to provide the paperwork needed for Tanya to travel to the USA. Right about the time that Tanya got her passport and would need the travel paperwork for the embassy, the doctor simply disappeared and was replaced with a more supportive doctor. No one knows what happened with the first doctor, but getting in God's way was certainly not the smartest thing to do!

Similarly, when I brought dying child artist Shura to the US, I received a number of indications that I should bring him to the Washington, DC/Virginia area. However, because I wanted him with me in California -- I erroneously figured that would be easier all around -- I brought him to California. We found no medical or financial help at all. When we finally got our miraculous offer of assistance from a billionaire in New York, the condition should have made me wince: the care had to be given at the University of Virginia Hospital. And so, like others in the past, we got on a plane in obedience to God, and the end result was stunning: life-changing for Shura and faith confirming for many people.

And then there was Jonah, who refused to go to Ninevah. He got swallowed by a large fish and was thrown up on the shore. Where? Outside Ninevah! He was going to go to Ninevah because that was the will of the Lord, which outweighed in significance the will, desire, or fear of Jonah. I understand Jonah's predicament. There was a time I wanted a different job, and God would not let me have it. The job I have is the one God wanted me to have, the one He pushed me into, and the one He made me stay in. I had a Jonah experience, and I can tell you for sure that what God really wants, God really gets, and there is no question about it!

So, what is the bottom line? God is in charge, and when it is important to Him that His will be done, it will happen! As Numbers 15:41 says: "I am the Lord your God!" Indeed, He is the Lord My God.

And that is far as I can go with you on this Monday morning. I must retire to prayer to ask God to show me how to let Him always be in charge and to knock me on the head when I "presume" to ignore His will, to repent for all those times I have marched on alone without Him or refused to march along with Him, to give thanks for His forgiveness in each case and his continued lessons, and to offer praise for the depth for His love and patience for someone as unworthy as I have been.

After that, I will spend some time in contemplation, open to His guidance and His will. I especially welcome His presence right now here with me, as well as in my daily life and at my work this coming week and always. Why He never fails me, no matter how ornery I am, I do not know, but I love it!

I will now leave you to your prayer and contemplation, but first, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I hope you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts.

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of inspirational blogs that follow the enumeration of Monday Morning Meditations on the sidebar of this blog and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Have a good day and a good week, remembering in all things to accept the will of the Lord. May you be blessed by the outpouring of love and the stunning miracles that follow when one listens, trusts, and obeys.

If you pick this up as a weekly devotional activity, please share with me and others your own thoughts about today's reading or any other scripture that you choose for meditation. Until I figure out how to use the Mr. Linky buttons, you are welcome to copy and use the image of the mission church and share the meme of Monday Morning Meditation for starting out the work week closer to God.