Monday Morning Meditation #17: I Am the Lord Your God

I have now slowed to a crawl through the chapters of Numbers. Who would have thought this particular book would be so rich and interesting? In the verses leading up to 15:41, which says, "I am the Lord your God," much takes place in quick order. Israeli spies are sent, in accordance with God's instructions to Moses, to look at the land of Canaan for the purpose of possessing it; this is the land of milk and honey which had been promised to them. While the land was good, the spies found the people living there to be formidable, and, not trusting God implicitly and fully to fulfill His promise, all but two (Joshua and Caleb) became afraid and tried to dissuade the people from doing God's will by spreading lies about the land, e.g., that the land "eats its inhabitants." Upon hearing these lies, the people of Israel began to complain and back off from their forward movement, even going so far as saying that they wanted to return to Egypt. This angered God, but Moses appealed to God to forgive the Israelites yet another time, and God did. There were, however, consequences. The Israelites' punishment was to be 40 years in the wilderness, and with the exception of Joshua and Caleb, who had urged the people not to rebel against God and to fear nothing because God would be with them, only the successive generation would be allowed to enter the promised land. God then killed the lying spies by the plague, and Moses told the remaining people, who had changed their minds and now wanted the promised land, not to go up the mountain because the Lord was not with them. They went nonetheless (in the words of Numbers, they presumed to go), and, as a result, they were smitten by the Amalekites and Canaanites.

Reading: Numbers 15:41

Meditation: Part of the Lord's prayer asks that God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Also, we often pray that in any given situation that God's will be done. Sometimes those are meaningful words when we say them; sometimes they are empty. Clearly, according to this passage, God's volition will be done, no matter what, but how much better it would be if we were to do it without pressure, with gladness in our hearts, in contrast to the rebellion of the Israelites. Our lives would not necessarily be easier, not less filled with sorrow, but we would have a certain peace, not obtainable any other way, in accepting, like Job did, the will of God. Recently, I was struck by the extraordinary submission to God's will evidenced by one of the followers of my blog, Debbie, who lost her daughter, Amy Dawn (who had been on my prayer list for months), to cancer. I cannot come close to describing the depth of her faith that can serve as a model for all of us, so I will suggest that you read her words for yourself at her blog: There's an Angel on My Front Porch.

What happens, however, when unlike Debbie, we do not submit to the will of God, when we disobey God? Punishment! For the Israelites, it was 40 years to be spent in the wilderness. Now, perhaps that was not a punitive response, but an instructive one. In those 40 years, they Israelites would have to learn to rely on God for there is little to rely on in the wildernesss for that number of people. Yes, the Bedouins manage fine -- I know, I spent a week with them two years ago in that same wilderness of the wandering Israelites and quite understand how easy it could be never to find one's way back out, all the sand looking alike -- but the Israelites were there before the days of modern vehicles and domesticated camels. While there have been times in the Old Testament when God's punishment has been fierce and final, in the case of the 40 years in the desert, a certain amount of "faith formation" could take place if the Israelis were, in the long run, willing. (To comment on that, I will have to read further -- although we all do know the ending of this story.)

What happens when we try to do something when God is not with us? This is another question raised by these chapters, and the answer is quite clear: we fail! When the Israelites presumed that they could fight without God, those who went to the mountaintop were slaughtered. Oh, so many times, I have made a decision at work or planned to do something without first praying about it, and likely as not it has failed. When I later pray about it, a good result ensues. I hate being a slow learner like this, but, alas, I am. One of the most dramatic cases occurred a number of years ago when an action I took -- not prayed about because I was an atheist then -- resulted in a lawsuit against my organization and me, and the plaintiff won. The organization (thankfully, a forgiving one) had to pay tens of thousands of dollars for my mistake. Then, when I had left the organization and returned years later, I found that this individual had been promoted to a collegial level, and now I would have to interact with him on a regular basis. I forgave him for that lawsuit and made it clear that I had done so; that occurred at a time after my conversion when God was teaching me about forgiveness. As a result, this person has not only forgiven me in return and become a good colleague; he has become one of my greatest fans and touts his fanhood far and wide.

What happens when someone tries to thwart the will of God? Well, in yet another lesson from these chapters, it would appear that the individual disappears. That is what happened to all the lying spies who tried to prevent the people from fulfilling God's plan for them to acquire the land of the Canaanites. Away they went, succumbing to the plague. Away, too, went an obstreperous doctor in Russia when, after I had obtained the agreement of the U.S. Embassy in Moscow that Katya (Tanya), an ill, blind orphan, deserved to be and would be issued a visa (and eventually was -- see the section on recent prayers answered in the sidebar), the doctor refused to provide the paperwork needed for Tanya to travel to the USA. Right about the time that Tanya got her passport and would need the travel paperwork for the embassy, the doctor simply disappeared and was replaced with a more supportive doctor. No one knows what happened with the first doctor, but getting in God's way was certainly not the smartest thing to do!

Similarly, when I brought dying child artist Shura to the US, I received a number of indications that I should bring him to the Washington, DC/Virginia area. However, because I wanted him with me in California -- I erroneously figured that would be easier all around -- I brought him to California. We found no medical or financial help at all. When we finally got our miraculous offer of assistance from a billionaire in New York, the condition should have made me wince: the care had to be given at the University of Virginia Hospital. And so, like others in the past, we got on a plane in obedience to God, and the end result was stunning: life-changing for Shura and faith confirming for many people.

And then there was Jonah, who refused to go to Ninevah. He got swallowed by a large fish and was thrown up on the shore. Where? Outside Ninevah! He was going to go to Ninevah because that was the will of the Lord, which outweighed in significance the will, desire, or fear of Jonah. I understand Jonah's predicament. There was a time I wanted a different job, and God would not let me have it. The job I have is the one God wanted me to have, the one He pushed me into, and the one He made me stay in. I had a Jonah experience, and I can tell you for sure that what God really wants, God really gets, and there is no question about it!

So, what is the bottom line? God is in charge, and when it is important to Him that His will be done, it will happen! As Numbers 15:41 says: "I am the Lord your God!" Indeed, He is the Lord My God.

And that is far as I can go with you on this Monday morning. I must retire to prayer to ask God to show me how to let Him always be in charge and to knock me on the head when I "presume" to ignore His will, to repent for all those times I have marched on alone without Him or refused to march along with Him, to give thanks for His forgiveness in each case and his continued lessons, and to offer praise for the depth for His love and patience for someone as unworthy as I have been.

After that, I will spend some time in contemplation, open to His guidance and His will. I especially welcome His presence right now here with me, as well as in my daily life and at my work this coming week and always. Why He never fails me, no matter how ornery I am, I do not know, but I love it!

I will now leave you to your prayer and contemplation, but first, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I hope you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts.

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of inspirational blogs that follow the enumeration of Monday Morning Meditations on the sidebar of this blog and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Have a good day and a good week, remembering in all things to accept the will of the Lord. May you be blessed by the outpouring of love and the stunning miracles that follow when one listens, trusts, and obeys.

If you pick this up as a weekly devotional activity, please share with me and others your own thoughts about today's reading or any other scripture that you choose for meditation. Until I figure out how to use the Mr. Linky buttons, you are welcome to copy and use the image of the mission church and share the meme of Monday Morning Meditation for starting out the work week closer to God.

Monday Morning Meditation #14: And They Did As the Lord Commanded

All the (many) chapters I read this week from Exodus and Leviticus had to do with rules for living and worshipping, ranging from childbirth, circumcision, food, and cleansing, to tabernacle design and ways of making offerings. They seem intended for a different time although I know that at least Orthodox Jews follow these instructions carefully even today. Perhaps some day God will send someone to explain to me in what way these rules should be meaningful to me. Quite meaningful, however, was the frequent repetition of one phrase in various versions: "they did as the Lord commanded," "Moses did as God commanded," and so on. Whenever God gives Moses a reason for obedience, it is always some version of "because I am the Lord." It is sort of like a parent saying, "Do it because I told you to." In return, God promises the Israelites, whom He alternately refers to as His people and His servants, that if they obey His commandments, He will provide for all their needs. Further, and more excitingly, He says that He will be with them. ("And I will walk among you and will be your God, and ye shall be My people." Leviticus 26:12)

Reading: Exodus 35-40 and Leviticus.

Meditation: The specific rules aside, what all these passages taken in aggregate say to me is that we are to obey God, without question, in all things for one reason alone: He is God. I assume that since God opened His arms to non-Jews, then we, too, are both His servants and, if we love and obey Him, His people and that His promise to walk among us and provide for us if we obey Him works for us, too.

On a personal level, I have experienced both the requirement and the promise. God has given me a number of taskings, some of them quite difficult. The most difficult, however, was to call my mother. I was angry when I heard the words, "Call your mother."

I did not want to do that. I had not spoken to her for ten years. Asking me to call her seemed terribly unfair. She had been highly abusive to her eight children physically, the details of which I chronicled in my book, Blest Atheist, and when those children became adults, the abuse just changed into emotional abuse. Several of them caught her beating their children (her grandchildren) and ended up sending her away from their homes. Most of my siblings were not speaking to her at the time of my tasking.

I have no idea why God wanted me to call Ma, but while I at first argued, in the long run (it was not that much of a long run -- it took me about a week to find the number and make the call), I put aside my anger, put on my "ruthless trust" (to use Brendan Manning's term to describe The Ragamuffin's Path to God), and did it. I did it for the sole reason that God required it of me. (Explaining that to my mother was rather interesting, to say the least.)

First, I had to track down Ma's phone number. Since nearly no one was talking to her, it took some time to do that. Once I had retrieved the phone number, I still hesitated. I did not know what to say! What would you say to someone to whom you had not spoken for ten years? "How can I call her?" I asked God. "I have no idea what to say!"

A very quiet one word wafted through my mind, indicating an action that had not occurred to me: "Listen." Of course! I could listen. And that is what I did. I listened. For over an hour, I listened -- to a voice full of curiosity, eagerness to relate a decade of happenings, and elation. Perhaps that is about as close as Ma can get to love.

I still do not completely understand the tasking to call Ma. Nor can I directly track any one blessing -- I have received so many! -- to the act of calling her. The only thing I can say is that I "did as the Lord commanded," and I am glad I did so for no other reason than that He is Lord. I love being His servant and hope that one day He will say that I am one of His people.

And that is far as I can go with you on this Monday morning. I must retire to prayer to ask God to keep on tasking me for His taskings ultimately bring me great satisfaction, to repent for all the taskings I have missed or done poorly, to give thanks for all the ways in which God has indeed provided for me, and to offer praise for the ways in which He orders my world.

After that, I will spend some time in contemplation, open to any "walking" together with which He is willing to bless me. The joy of His presence surpasses any other happiness I have ever experienced.

I will now leave you to your prayer and contemplation, but first, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I hope you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts.

For inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of inspirational blogs that follow the enumeration of Monday Morning Meditations on the right-hand side of this blog and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Have a good day and a week enriched by the presence of God. May you be blessed by opportunities to do His bidding, and may you do that well.

If you pick this up as a weekly devotional activity, please share with me and others your own thoughts about the message of Exodus 35-57 and Leviticus or any other scripture that you choose for meditation. Feel free to copy the image of the mission church; maybe some time in the near future my Internet-inept self will be able to figure out how to use the Mr. Linky buttons, but to date I remain incompetent at the more sophisticated blog stuff. Yes, I know it has been 14 weeks, but I am exceptionally computer-inept. In the interim, you are welcome to use the image and share the meme of Monday Morning Meditation for starting out the work week closer to God.

The Jobs God Would Not Let Me Have and the One He Insisted I Take and Keep

Only four years ago now, I was peacefully and happily working in Jordan, a wonderful country -- ancient, holy in history, and friendly. Then, I got a fateful (not fatal, but at moments it did seem so) phone call from a former boss. He had just been selected to a CEO position and was asking me to come back to the States and work as one of his four direct reports. I would be responsible for national and international operations. Hm. It was intriguing, but I was already working internationally, shuttling between Bahrain and Jordan in order to help out the division in Bahrain which had lost its head person, and doing occasional consulting in any one of two dozen other countries. Hm. I wavered, mostly toward the status quo of the time.

Then, my boss in Jordan, an Egyptian of grand proportions and even greater temper, learned about the phone call, and the full fury of an Arab slighted fell upon me, loyalty being the number one trait that Arabs expect from friends and employees, at least in my experience. He immediately tore up my contract. He would not allow me to leave him; the only way I would be leaving would be if he sent me away, and he was doing just that. It was odd that he found out about the phone call. Only two people knew, and both insisted that they had not told. I had no reason not to believe them and still have no reason not to believe them. I am now pretty certain that my boss found out because God wanted me back in the USA for two reasons: (1) to find Him even though I was not looking for Him; and (2) my current job -- and I am still trying to figure out why God wants me in this particular job but have reached the firm conclusion, given a preponderance of evidence, that He does.

There was only one problem with this scenario (for my boss): I had already been paid for the quarter, so I got a 3-month vacation. However, there was nothing my boss could do about that. He left for Egypt, his residence, and returned in a month for his one-day monthly visit. By then, he had calmed down. We met, in the Arab way drank tea before broaching serious matters, and then settled down to discussing "the situation." I asked why he thought I would choose the USA over Jordan; I might very well have chosen Jordan over the USA. He seemed puzzled about that at first, talked about how I was "leaving him" (yep, I was right about the loyalty bit with him), and finally commented that he would be in his hotel room until the morning if anything else came up that I would like to talk to him about. We parted civilly. There was almost a sadness in the air on his side. Months later, I realized that in the Arab manner of saving face he was letting me know that he would like me to come back but that I would have to be the one to take the first step. I know that. I had lived in the culture long enough to read between the lines, but I did not. I took everything at face value, in the American way. Why? I have been called a "cultural chameleon;" I am known for being good at understanding the unspoken communication in other cultures, yet I failed to recognize something that I knew very well. I ask again, why? In retrospect, I think God must have clouded my thinking because He wanted me in the USA.

I began rapidly opening doors in Jordan, and I had lots of help. I had become well known there and had acquired enough respect for being a good teacher and a good administrator to have a number of job offers. I taught at the top university in the country for fall semester, which ended the day before I left Jordan for the USA (yes, I did ultimately take the job there/here).

Every door I opened in Jordan was closed. No, make that, every door I opened was slammed shut. Every person who tried to help me moved unexpectedly. Seriously. One professor and one administrator were moved by their organization to Bahrain, and one dean was recycled back into the faculty (it was the appropriate time for that to occur); but then he had the opportunity to teach in Lebanon, and off he went.

In the interim, I kept being pushed in less than subtle ways toward the USA job. First, given that I had no contract and every possibility for staying in Jordan dried up as quickly as it appeared, the job in the USA did not look all that bad. Actually, it was a very good job. While I was hesitating, the starting salary offer increased by 20%. That sweetened the pot, but I was still pretty intent on staying in Jordan. Then, I coincidentally (?) ended up at a conference with the most senior leadership from the organization, ran into them quite by chance (?), socialized a bit, and they urged me to put in my papers. I did -- one day before the deadline. That turned out to be a problem because they needed my transcripts from Russia, where I had completed my PhD. Oops! I assumed that this meant I should continue looking for jobs in Jordan, but no, the USA organization extended the deadline, quite coincidentally(?), by three weeks, just enough time to get the transcripts. As soon as the transcripts arrived, I was interviewed and shortly thereafter a firm job offer was made. At the same time, the contract of my husband, Donnie, was terminated in similar fashion to mine. Well, as I have learned, when God says "no," God means "no." So, with the USA job offer being the only one I had in spite of the fact that never before have I had any trouble cultivating job offers, back we came to California.

And within six months God entered my life as a Force to be reckoned with. (For details, see my conversion story.) And now, more than three years later, God has pretty much taken over my life!

After two years of working in my current position, I began looking for another job for several reasons: (1) the lure of a higher position and higher wages and (2) a bit of an ethical dilemma associated with one of the projects I supervised -- I disagreed strongly with the position of the organization. Once again, I quickly found another opportunity, a vice president position close enough to home that I would not have to move and with a salary that would be equal to a 25% raise. I was one of the top three candidates, and on a Wednesday interviewed.

I felt confident after that interview -- one usually has a sense of the success (or not) of an interview. However, clearly God had put me at my current position and wanted me to stay there. Things started happening again. First, every single day about once an hour one employee after another would come in, tell me how much they liked working with me, explain how much I belong here where I am, and share some story of some difference I had made in their life (usually something minor such as previously hating to come to work and now loving to come to work -- well, I suppose that is not all that minor). Here was something new, and I began to feel some obligation to these people. Second, on the Saturday after the interview and knowing nothing about my job search, Fr. Barry showed up at my door with an article related to the ethical dilemma I was facing. I had discussed it with him on a couple of occasions; he is my spiritual barometer. He told me that he thought that I was in a very good position to help the ethical dilemma be resolved and that I should keep this in mind whenever I was troubled about it. (He was stunned to hear about the job interview.) Third, just to make sure that I had no choice (because sometimes I do have to get conked on the head in order to hear/see God's direction), the job for which I had interviewed went away. Poof! The Board of Directors decided that they did not need an executive VP, given the current economic climate.

Financially, through all of this, God took care of me. Consider that my contract in Jordan had been paid three months in advance and that my current job began a mere two weeks (travel time) after the end of those three months -- and because I was also teaching during the fall semester, I got more than two weeks of extra pay to cover those two post-contract-expiration weeks. As for my current position, not only was the starting salary increased by 20%, but when the organization found out that I had been interviewed (there seem to be no secrets at work), my supervisor put through a 25% retention incentive, the maximum allowed by organizational regulation, and so my current salary matches what I would have made had I left. Amazing!

So, it would seem that here is where God wants me (for reasons only He knows). Therefore, here I will be until directed elsewhere.

When God Says "No," God Means "No"

I once wrote a rather nasty note to a priest. (It was to none of the priests I have mentioned in this blog from time to time, but to a longer-term visiting priest, holding an interim assignment to our parish). He did something that I, in good judgmental fashion, thought was quite wrong. Actually, what he had done was to say something negative about a priest I love during mass, something that was not true and clearly hurt the feelings of that priest. It was an attempt by the visiting priest to make a joke, but it fell flat. I was indignant by the inappropriateness of it. (There we go again with judgment! Who am I to judge? Yet I did!)

I carefully thought through all aspects of what the priest had said and what the consequences seemed to be and decided to write an irate letter to him, something that is generally out of character for me. (I highly value all the priests in my life and am grateful for them and to them, and I certainly do not expect them to be all-the-time perfect.) In this case, though, I was certain that I had the high road, and I explained all my concerns to the interim priest in FOUR written pages! As I folded the letter to mail it, I felt a twinge out of nowhere, a strong feeling that what I was doing was wrong. However, being in a happily judgmental mood, I started to seal the envelope. The twinge came again. Okay, I considered, so maybe this twinge means that God does not want me to send this letter. I thought it over, figured I knew better than God, and, still in my great judgmental mode, rewrote the letter, removing all the vitriol and about half the contents. I then sealed the envelope and busied myself with something else.

As I busied myself, that twinge came yet again. Stronger this time. Oh, for heaven's sake, I thought, I better rewrite the thing. So, I threw away the envelope with the original letter and revised what I had written. When I was done, the letter was only one page and, I thought, pretty kindly and succinctly worded. The revised note went into an envelope, which I sealed, stamped, and put into my purse for mailing during my lunch hour the next day.

When I reached my office the next morning, I was surprised to find a colleague who was supposed to be at a conference. "I am leaving right now," he said, "but I am supposed to tell you something. I have no idea what I am talking about, but I am just going to say it straight out, and perhaps you can figure out what is meant. 'You should not mail the letter you have written because the person to whom you have written it is too weak.'"

I questioned my colleague, who is a highly spiritual person and has had this sort of thing happen to him more than once, but he had no more insight than he had already given me. When I told him that the only letter I had written was to our interim priest, he was surprised but nonetheless certain that I was not supposed to mail it. I told my colleague I would consider his words, and he left.

I took out the letter, read it again, and decided that, just in case, I should rewrite it one more time. I cut it down to one very gentle paragraph. (I am an obstinate one; no wonder God had to conk me on the head to get me to convert and even now occasionally has to get a little rough with me.)

At that moment, the phone rang. It was the visiting priest who asked me to go to the Chrism mass and pick up the oils for our parish. He said he would not be there. Being a pushy type, I asked him why. He was evasive, but eventually I got the information out of him that he was being evaluated for cancer surgery that day in a city quite some distance away. I tore up the letter as we spoke, and I begged him to share the information with the parish, which he did, after some more prompting, at the next mass that he celebrated.

I also led a prayer vigil for him. Then, on the day after his successful surgery, I drove to the distant city and took him flowers from the parish and the candle we had used for the vigil, which I had placed during our prayers in a candle holder that I had brought to the USA from my days of living in the Holy Land.

So, God got my attention, and I finally listened (as I usually do or at least try to). The bottom line, though, beyond the lesson to "judge not," is that when God says "no," He is going to get His way, and that is good! It is as it should be.