Our Amazing Modern World

I posted the following story yesterday on Clan of Mahlou and, upon after thought, figure it might have some interest for readers of 100th Lamb, so here it is.

During the days of the Cold War, when my oldest daughter Lizzie (for some insights into Lizzie, see Lessons from Mom) and I were traveling and living in Russia (see Back in the USSR), we would always say goodbye to friends when we left, realizing that the likelihood of seeing them again was slim, of keeping in contact by writing difficult, and of seeing them in the United States totally impossible. Likewise, a decade later, while living and working in Uzbekistan, I stayed with an elderly teacher by the name of Lida. She was the aunt of one of my colleagues, an immigrant from Moscow, and I became the conduit of information, money, and gifts between them. Both knew that they would never be able to see each other again, politics being what they were, and so I became a living link. Lida always referred to me as "rodnaya," which is a term that one uses with one's flesh-and-blood to demonstrate bonding and love.

It has been ten years since I last saw Lida. When politics became even worse between the USA and Uzbekistan, my consults for the Uzbekistan Ministry of Education dried up. I, too, became resigned to the fact that Lida was part of my history, no longer a part of my life.

Then, the wall fell, and the Soviet Union dissolved. Still, relations with Uzbekistan have remained poor.

Somehow, though, the thaw between the USA and the former Soviet countries in general has had a meliorating effect on tourist visas, and I learned two weeks ago that Lida had received a 3-month visa to visit her relatives in the USA. Today they showed up on my doorstep!

San Ignatio held its annual fiesta today, and I had clean-up duty. None of that deterred us, however. We all got together at the fiesta, enjoying the extraordinary experience of being together in one country, even in San Ignatio. We will, of course, get together again -- and again -- over the next three months in San Ignatio and in the nearby town where Lida's relatives live.

The weather was balmy with a slight breeze today. The sun shone upon us in all senses of that word. A perfect day! One that began with a big hug from Lida and the greeting to "rodnaya." One that ended, as well, with a big hug from Lida and the parting to "rodnaya."

What I learned this day (and have always known): one does not need to share blood to share blood! I also learned something that I have not always known: our modern world is amazing and marvelous. Whoever would have thought that Lida, who befriended me so kindly in Tashkent a decade ago, would be sitting on my sofa today!

7 Quick Takes Friday #55

See more 7 Quick Takes Contributions at Jennifer Fulwiler's Conversion Diary.

It is so nice to have my computer back and to start catching up on so much that I could do with an old, borrowed one. I seem to have missed the 7 QT last week so I will combine them for this week.

1. A while back I reported on allegations of sexual misconduct made against our priest. The police have exonerated him, and in spite of repeated, highly publicized pleadings from SNAP for others to come forth with their own allegations, no one has. Fortunately, the rest of the people in the two parishes involved are honest. Now, however, the accuser, who hired a big-city lawyer used to squeezing money from the Church whether or not the claims were factual (one research report indicated that 50% of the claims made by this firm were false allegations and one cardinal actually sued for false claims and won) and mistakenly clearly thought that this would be a dandy way to get some money from a small-town Catholic diocese that was assumed to be easy to frighten, has filed a civil suit, not having got one penny from our bishop. He has included the bishop in the lawsuit (I assume because the bishop did not "pay up" as he expected) and the police department, too. Talk about a world gone crazy! I built a website about our priest's situation for our parish where efforts to help, latest information, and research information on false allegations in general can be shared: www.in-support-of-fr-ed.com. As I told our bishop, having been extensively abused myself, I would be the last person to support a real perpetrator of such atrocities (and I know that sometimes it is the least likely person who does such things), but this case is clear. (It helps that I know something about the accuser's real motive but cannot share that until it comes out in court.) The accuser needs prayers, not money, and the anger being expressed by SNAP about this situation does not come from God; it is a selfish and vengeful anger, directed at a hurt that members of SNAP experienced from priests other than our priest. SNAP, too, needs prayers.

2. We closed on a neat house at the end of February and moved last week, the only week I have been home since closing -- I was not even present for the closing. The house overlooks our valley. It has five bedrooms, which is larger than anything we have ever owned. After the kids grew up, I never thought I would want to take care of a large house again, but it was really the view and the fact that it is nonetheless walking distance from the mission that sold me on the house.

3. We had a strange interaction with a rooster when we moved out of our old house. (A reminder here: roosters have the right of way in San Ignatio and are protected by law.) He followed us up onto our deck, pecked at our door, making it sound like he was knocking, and then beat on the window. (You might have to make the picture larger to see him.) He remained there for as long as we were cleaning and even after we left. We wonder if he might have made friends with our cats and wondered where they had gone. In any event, it was a Hitchcock-like experience.

4. Before we could finish unpacking, I headed out on a fascinating business trip to Fayetteville, North Carolina. Now, Fayetteville is not fascinating. In fact, I commented to someone that it looked like it had fallen on hard times, but he laughed and said that it has looked this way for as long as he can remember.

5. We are holding a reverse evaluation (something I introduced) for our southeastern branches. This is where workers get to tell their managers (anonymously through representatives from the various branches) what they do or don't do that make it difficult for them to do good work. It is a very effective way to improve organizations.

6. Tonight I had dinner with the son of friends from Army days. He is now in the Army, a captain, serving at Ft. Bragg. We went to the Mash House and had a great steak meal and even better conversation, catching up on years and years. The last time I saw him, he was in elementary school and was visiting us in California with his parents (whom I have seen since). He immediately crawled behind our sofa and refused to come out for hours. He says that he remembers that. He also remembers that while back there, he found some things under the couch to try putting into the light socket back there. Really?? There are times that, as parents, one prefers not to know what is going on if one does not have the opportunity to intervene. This must have been a case of divine protection because we had no idea what mischief he was up to.

7. Nikolina has been making progress as she approaches her second birthday. She is not walking yet -- still working on learning how to use her braces. Savvy, though, she is. Shane reports that she has figured out how to navigate his iPhone. He gave it to her for a little toddler game with sheep and chickens jumping around, and she pushed the home key and was able to navigate two screens over, click into a specific folder and then open the Netflix app so she could play her favorite movie(s). Just wait until she is three years old!

Tomorrow I head out for Qatar -- some international meetings there at which I need to present. I have no idea whether or not someone will be picking me up at the airport when I arrive at 1:00 in the morning, but I am hoping for the best. Will report on what actually happens next week. In the interim, I wish all a great weekend and good week.

Stepping Away from Time to Time in December

As this goes up (automatically), I should be on a plane for Hawaii, where I have some end-of-year business to conclude. After that, on Saturday, I will fly back home, just in time for the Christmas season to descend in full tempo. This year, though, Christmas cards will have to wait until February (January if I can manage a trip to Korea and card writing). We have no tree -- our cat Intrepid eats all plants, including artificial ones, and nearly died from the latter a few years ago so we have given up on a tree -- therefore I will not be distracted with tree decorating. Some holiday activities will, of course, take place as they should and as we want them to. However, I will be stepping back a bit from my normal kinds of blogging posts and the normal tempo of my blogs.

I have taken some days off from work to do a second edition/sequel of my book, Blest Atheist. Unfortunately, over the past two years, the title has been snagged for a variety of odd things, none of them having to do with the remarkable kindness of God, which is what the book is about at its core. Even a furniture store has taken it, along with an atheist reading group! In fact, although it is a spiritual book, essentially Christian, most bookstores carry it in the atheism section. (I guess no one reads books before categorizing them!) That has caused some angry, even rude, reviews from atheists who got a conversion story, rather than a confirmation of their atheism -- which must have been quite a surprise for them. (Christian readers and believers belonging to other religions generally review the book well.) So, the book needs a new title, which I am working on, and since time has passed and my spiritual experiences have continued on a path of deepening conversion, I plan to revise the book dramatically, as well as include those new conversion experiences.

For publication and marketing purposes, I need to turn in the manuscript no later than December 30, so I will reserve most of my writing effort for the book. Monday Morning Meditations will continue, and I will post excerpts from the book as I go along on Mahlou Musings. So, for the next 15 days, my posts may be sparse in spite of having prepared a few backups in case of situations like this.

I will indeed take time to enjoy the Christmas season. San Ignatio, as you can see from the pictures above and below, goes all out for Christmas. (Note: the placard under each lighted wreath/halo is the story of a saint important to this town: St Francis for it was founded by the Franciscans, St. John the Baptist after whom it was named, the real name of this town being San Juan Bautista -- I used San Ignatio as a pseudonym in my book and so I have continued to use it in this blog.) If this town has a year-round sacred feel to it, at Christmas that feel intensifies, beginning with the lighting of the streets, intensified by the daily performances of La Virgen de Teyepac (Our Lady of Guadalupe) by our local El Teatro Campesino, and concluding with our midnight Mass, which usually really is at or near midnight, depending on how you count the caroling.

So, please forgive my moments away. I will catch you when the book muse takes a recess and will be back on full-time blog duty in January.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

7 Quick Takes Friday #47

See more 7 Quick Takes Contributions at Jennifer Fulwiler's Conversion Diary.

It must have been a really full week, and yet it did not seem so. However, as I sit here, trying to remember what I did, I cannot remember a thing except eating turkey yesterday at Old Mission and cleaning BIG pots and pans afterward. Oh, well, I will start with that and perhaps the rest of the week will pop back into my memory. Senior moments already? Or, just an overfilled memory?? (Ooh, I hope the latter...)

1. So, okay, yesterday. Old Mission Church puts on a feast for the entire town with donated goods. It looks like we fed about 400 yesterday, which, counting kids, would be 25% of the town. It is a good place and time for everyone to get together. The mission is the center of the town's life, and Fr. E is pretty much considered the town's father. (I think he looks at it that way, too.) Doah and Noelle came; Shane and his family had their own event in a nearby town with Lemony's family. I was able to snatch a couple of pictures. On the left is Donnie, Noelle, and Doah with a family friend, Bennie, who was working the serving line. On the right is Sr. Delores, who lives at the local convent for Sisters of the Atonement (Franciscan order) along with Sr. Maria, whom I have mentioned before. Sr. Maria was not in town; she went to the central valley to be with her biological sisters. It was, however, nice to have Sr. Delores, Sr. Catherine, and Sr. Mary Catherine with us at the feast. I believe some of the friars came down from the monastery at the retreat center since they usually do, but I missed the first wave this year -- had to pick up Noelle and Doah -- and so may have missed them. Saw some folks from there at Mass earlier in the morning, though.

2. Ah, now I remember Wednesday. It was a day of rubbing elbows with all the folks who work with me, which is really great. Too often I am at meetings at headquarters or at meetings in other cities. Being in Seaside the entire day of Wednesday and in and out of my office gave a different color to the day. All morning, the junior managers presented their programs to all the senior managers and some visitors, telling us of their accomplishments during the last quarter and their concerns for the next. That was a good discussion. The day ended with an all-staff meeting to welcome new faces and say goodbye to old friends moving on to other jobs through promotion or new positions.

3. It's working! Now I remember Tuesday! Tuesday was hell day. I had no less than THREE meetings scheduled at the same time for every hour of the day. None of them were my meetings, i.e. none that I had scheduled for my staff and could therefore postpone or cancel. Some were at headquarters (a 20-minute drive) and some in my building. Some were mandatory financial and personnel meetings; others were entertaining high-level visitors. I passed to my deputy all the visitors. That took me down to two meetings simultaneously, and I found other senior managers to take over those. Whew! Talk about exhaustion! (My sister says that she really likes the idea of triple-scheduled meetings because it gets them out of the way faster!)

4. Monday was a meeting day, as well, but also one of crisis resolution. My boss was grumpy, which did not help because he was trying to solve problems in ways that I knew were not supported by regulation. So, I had to maneuver around that approach. Also, one of my best and most essential senior managers had his pay level (which is about 50% of what he could make elsewhere) attacked by the head of the personnel office who is trying to remove the retention bonus I gave him when he was offered a job elsewhere at double his currently embarrassingly low salary. It seems to be a personal vendetta, and I am still working on trying to fend that off. I was really happy when time came for our prayer group.

5. Our prayer group is as much a faith formation as a time for prayer. We include both, as well as singing. We have just finished reading and discussing Richard Rohr's Things Hidden, from the point of spiritual direction (the co-leader of the group is a trained spiritual director which is likely why we have moved in this direction). We liked doing that so much that we decided to try out another book for the next few months, Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life. Has anyone read this book? It turned out that everyone in the group had the book at home, but no one had read it yet. Good candidate for our meetings! On Monday, we had a new member show up who was really hurting because of very recent trauma in the family. We spent most of the time, then, in prayer with and for her. It was appropriate timing and probably not a coincidence.

6. Sunday -- yes, I am remembering now -- we had a meeting of the Secular Franciscan Order at the St. Francis Retreat Center nearby (well, nearby for me -- I could almost walk the distance, but most members come from much farther away). I brought some sugar-free baklava (yes, there is such a thing -- order it from shilla.com), which everyone liked, especially the thought that it was not causing bad things for diabetic systems. Sr. Delores (yes, the same person pictured with Doah above) is our relatively new spiritual advisor, and she led a beautiful prayer service at the beginning of our meeting before we got into the experience sharing, Franciscan rule discussion, and baklava eating.

7. And then there is Saturday, and I am still pulling a blank. It would have been great had I stayed home and vegged out, but that is not me. Staying home is a vacation; the only time I get to do it is when I take a stay-cation. There is no better place in the world to be than in San Ignatio Since where I really was remains a mystery, at least for now, I am giving you a couple of pictures of San Ignatio to enjoy.

Wishing you a pleasant week -- and one that you will remember!

Voting in a Small Town

I rarely talk about politics. It is too good a way to lose old friends and make new enemies. Nonetheless, the experience of voting in a small town (compared to the city where once we lived) is a pleasurable experience to be shared.

In the city, one finds a parking space invariably too distant from the polling place to make it an easy hike, especially with Noelle trying to keep up in braces & crutches or a wheelchair. Then, there are the long lines, which take a half hour or more to get through. By the time we would reach the head of the line, all too often I would reach for my ID and realize that I had left it in the car. Another hike! Back and forth, then trying to talk my way back to the head of the line while Donnie, Lizzie, Noelle, and Shane were already voting... Rushing through the half-memorized ballot in order to catch up with the others, I would meet them somewhere near the car door. Afterward we would drive home, tired.

Tonight in tiny San Ignatio, however, we drove up to the school parking lot, where we had our choice of spots. If we were to line up everyone in town end to end, it might take as much as an hour to get everyone through the voting process. However, with two polling places to make it easier for those without cars, a surprisingly large number of people here, and 12 hours of being open, there is always a convenient space to park and never any waiting line. One lady was walking her dog outside, waiting for her husband to finish voting, when we walked up. In we went. "Hi, Beth," Margaret, one of the poll workers, called out. No need for ID here! Donnie and I were handed our ballots. We filled them out and left five minutes later, after having hugged Margaret and catching up on mutual news. The evening was young, and we were already out of the house. So, we went to dinner and a movie.

Yep, voting in a small town is a special kind of experience. Relaxing.

7 Quick Takes Friday #37

See more 7 Quick Takes Contributions at Jennifer Fulwiler's Conversion Diary.

This week seemed to sort itself into themes. Here are seven of them:

1. Reading short things. I did not read any novels this week, but I read many short things, starting with Mass last Friday. There were two readings, a long one and a short one, and I had to choose on the spot which one to read because the regular reader was absent, in which case I often end up reading but without preparation. I chose the short one. Fr. Thomas had prepared his homily based on the long one! He adjusted! Then I gave away the most recent translation of one of my favorite Persian poets, Rumi, the original whirling dervish. His poetry is delightful, and I was able to read most of the new collection before handing the book over to a visiting employee from our Georgia office. I had told this employee, who hails from Iran, that I had recently acquired this book, and when I saw him salivating over that information, I offered to loan him the book. When he arrived earlier this week, he asked if the offer was still good. It was, and he got the book. I told him I would pick it up next year when I am scheduled to once again go to Georgia, but if he keeps the book, that is fine. The poems were short; I have read most of them. Then there were memoes, articles, concepts of operation, proposals, reports -- for some reason, many more than usual this week. Some non-critical ones, in fact, are still in my email for next week! I probably did read a novel this week if you put together all the paperwork and all the topics within them; in fact, it would have been quite an engaging novel!

2. Love. Love flooded this week, beginning with Mass on Saturday. I walked in just seconds before Mass was to start. Everyone was lined up to proceed down the aisle; they were just waiting for the song to be announced. I slipped in the side down and walked to the back of the church to pick up a song book. Fr. E caught the movement, got out of line, met me partway, hugged me (as he would have anyone walking through the door at that moment), then returned to the line-up. At the back of the church were three of my catechism students, deciding where they would sit. Hugs all around! Then, as I made my way to the pew where I usually sit, several people reached out and squeezed my hand as I passed. That is why I am devoted to Old Mission and to San Ignatio. The town swims in love.

3. Humility. One does not usually talk about humility with one's employees. Work performance, sure. Achievement, certainly. Development, yes. Needs, you bet. Skills, yep. Family matters, yeah, sometimes. Humility? Now that's not your everyday boss to supervisee topic, but it was an important one this week. Since it is a rather long story and I already posted the details on Modern Mysticism, I will let you go there if you wish to read all about it: Humility.

4. Caring. Another topic I became involved with that I blogged about earlier this week is the situation in Pakistan and the efforts of an acquaintance of mine in Karachi to help her fellow countrymen, along with the details of how we can help her if there is interest in doing so. Details are here: Come Along on a Journey to Help Pakistan One Family at a Time.

5. Fellowship and fun. Where can greater fellowship and fun be found than at a pizza party? A dozen employees from six different regional offices came to town for some training from an exceptionally famous guru. I grabbed them over lunch to reacquaint myself with them and their concerns, share recent developments here locally, and bond a little. For bonding, we needed some "glue," so I ordered pizza. Just the thing! By the end of the noon hour, there was a considerable amount of camaraderie, which was especially delightful because some of the individuals had never met, e.g., those working in Hawaii and those working in Georgia or Maryland. Great fun, smack in the middle of the week!

6. Trust. One successful way I have found to build bonds, team spirit, and trust is an annual reverse evaluation. I recently asked some outside experts to evaluate our evaluation. In telling my employees about this, they pointed out how much trust has developed from the reverse evaluation, so much that perhaps it is no longer needed in the way it was earlier. People feel free just to send critiques and concerns directly to me or to their managers through the email with their names attached. Of course, we will continue the reverse evaluation. It is one of the primary tools that has changed my workplace in a mere four years from a dysfunctional workplace full of suspicion and hostility to a loving, supportive, spiritual, TRUSTING place where even I like to come to work every day even knowing the number of challenges that will have to be addressed to complete our tasks and missions successfully, given how far-flung worldwide our operations are.

7. Fatigue. I would be less than honest if I did not admit that this has been a very tiring week. Except for Monday, when I returned home in time for our evening prayer group, I have worked until late into the evening every day. Combine that with going in early every. I had several early morning meetings, including this morning at 0730 when I had the pleasure of spending some time with the guru mentioned above. Some days I went in early because I wanted to get ahead of the 1800 emails in my mailbox that greeted me when I opened email toward the end of the day on Monday, Monday being so full of meetings, including one excruciating 3-hour meeting going over line item by line item all of our contracts, that I never got to my email until near the end of the day. I am pleased to report that when I decided to call it quits at 7:00 this evening, I was down to only 883 emails!

7 Quick Takes Friday #35

See more 7 Quick Takes Contributions at Jennifer Fulwiler's Conversion Diary.

This week I have decided to concentrate on San Ignatio because that is where my greatest peace and pleasure come from. That is especially true this week, given that we had an employee leave, taking with him nearly $100,000 in our property. (That is next week's work to deal with that, I am afraid.) As a result, I am especially grateful for being able to return from hectic, troublesome days at work to a peaceful town where time has little meaning.

1. Chillin' 'n Grillin' is a new restaurant in town. It is actually a bit outside of town, on the outskirts, among the farms. It has acquired a good reputation, so Donnie and I decided to try it out on Friday. It was okay. The beer was unique, lots of local flavors. The food was so-so. The atmosphere as semi-quiet. I guess we are not the television-and-bar types.

2. On Saturday, we celebrated Shane's birthday with lunch at Jardines with Shane and Lemony and kids. They keep growing and growing (see their picture in the side bar). It was a pleasant afternoon at our favorite restaurant, with balmy weather (well, we almost always have balmy weather). We snatched up Doah in the morning from Santa Clara and brought him back to the lunch. Noelle could not come; she had a cold. (We still try to protect Nikolina from extra germs.) Nikolina is clearly left-handed. The physical therapist says she is too young to be so adamant about preferring her left hand, but that's Nikolina. She is nothing if not adamant. That nature likely contributed to her living through all those early surgeries and difficulties with missing and broken-into-pieces body parts.

3. Fr. Ed is back! Fr. Ed is back! Doah and I went to Mass after the Jardines lunch. Fr. Ed has been making a pilgrimage to Catholic sites around Europe for the past two months. This week Fr. Paul, from Nigeria, who had been filling in for Fr. Ed, returned home, and everyone wished him well. Doah and I attended Mass with Fr. Ed. It feels like a family member has returned. Fr. Ed is not just the priest at Old Mission; he is the town's priest -- we have only one church!

4. Sunday morning I set off in the car for the local grocery store to pick up something for breakfast. I could, of course, have walked. It is only six blocks away, but I drove. I could have walked faster, however. Two blocks from the store, a mother hen with nearly a dozen small chicks decided that the best food to be had at the moment was right in the middle of the road. Since chickens have the right of way in town, soon we had a small line of cars just waiting for the chickens to move on, but they did not pay any attention to us. As the first in line, I figured I had to do something. I got out of the car and chased Mama and her chicks to the side of the road. Was she angry! She dived at me, squawking and flapping her wings, reaming me out for separating her from her food supply for her children. Satisfied that she was safely out of the way, I watched as the piled-up cars detoured around my car and continued on down the road. Then I walked back and got into my car. As soon as my back was turned, Mama Hen and her chicks darted back into the road. As I sat down behind the wheel, I looked out the window and learned that Mama had won. She and the chicks were back in the middle of the road, exactly where they were before I had got out of the car!

5. I expected no one at our prayer group on Monday night, except perhaps Sr. Maria. The group, including my co-leader, seems overrun with troubles these days. One of our members has trouble getting away because she is the only person who can babysit her grandson and must do so into the late evening. Another has a granddaughter who has to be fed by tube. Yet another has a daughter who is in terrible pain but no hospital can figure out why. One has lost a job. My co-leader's wife has had spine surgery. My co-leader is concerned about being able to meet mortgage payments, given a sudden change for the worse in financial status. So, we had much to pray about. When the time to meet came, though, almost everyone was there! What a happy surprise for all of us! In the few days that have followed, some loads have started to lighten, praise the Lord!

6. I spent most of Sunday lolling at home on Sunday with our three cats: Murjan (Arabic for coral), Intrepid, and Simone. I have read that they protect their owners from heart attacks. (How kind of them!) Every evening except Monday and Tuesday, I did the same. They are much fun, and you can read more about them at Clan of Mahlou.

7. Cherries and berries, berries and cherries. I should have been a bear. Since that is not possible, the next best thing is to live in San Ignatio where cherries and berries are a natural product of our agricultural community and nearly always in season and fresh! Buy them at the market or from roadside stands, of which we have several, they are always juicy sweet, like life in San Ignatio.

Wishing you all a quiet and peaceful weekend. And if you are short on roosters, come see us in San Ignatio where they rule the roost and more!

About That Lamb...

I don't know where the words came from. I could hardly believe they came from my mouth, yet I heard them as they slid out. "I don't think you are taking this project seriously," I said to the recently assigned project manager of a subcontractor at our Washington DC branch. She cringed and averred differently. I only shook my head unkindly and walked off to begin the presentation I had come to deliver.

I can explain how I got to the point of saying those words. In preparing for an all-day briefing to be conducted in DC together with a specialist from one of our subdivisions, I discovered that the concept papers we were to use were so poorly done that we could not use them. So, I had to re-do the work of several employees, whose supervisor had assumed that the work was fine. To worsen matters, the computers had been down (server outage) for the two days prior to my departure for DC. I had only one day to get everything done once the computers were back on line. That day I had several meetings, and during the time available in and around the meetings, one after another employee came into my office on small issues (well, important issues to them but ones I considered minor at the moment). Although I had closed my door, no one had seemed to notice. My open-door policy had been turned into an open-the-door policy. Too much to re-do, too little time to re-do it, and too many distractions from doing it! I was annoyed.

Add to that annoyance the fact that everyone around me seemed to be falling apart. I had one senior manager undergoing emergency surgery and another in the hospital with internal bleeding, cause undetermined. An employee had gone into the hospital for routine knee surgery and ended up comatose and packed in ice (we were waiting to here whether and when heroic measures would cease), and a junior manager had been diagnosed with a tumor and had to be brought back from his field assignment. This was all in the space of two days. Our senior leadership at the annual BBQ the day before I left for DC was decimated. I was stressed.

I did not escape any drama by leaving. As the plane was taxiing into Dulles International Airport, I quickly checked my Blackberry and learned two disturbing pieces of information. First, a project that I was to have been involved in had been downsized; much of the physical risk had been removed from it (that part was good -- while I was unconcerned for my own safety, my prayer group had been praying that something like this would happen), and the performance date had been moved to September, interfering with my need to be in Korea at that time. Second, my supervisor had overturned my appointment on an assignment I had promised to an employee. (She deserved it, and later in the day he recanted.) However these things work out and worked out, I arrived disappointed.

Following a night of only five hours of sleep after cleaning up from the BBQ, which had been at my house, and having had to go to work earlier than normal to begin that day of meetings and interrupted work, I had to jump onto a redeye from San Franciso to DC. Of all times, the pilot raced across the continental skies, arriving 30 minutes ahead of schedule, leaving me with a mere four hours of sleep. I was tired.

When I arrived at ground transportation, I blackberried the supervisor of our DC branch for an address to give to the taxi driver. She gave me the office address. I showed up there only to find out that the briefing was taking place at the premises of the subcontractor in another part of town. Now I would be late. I learned that the mistaken address was deliberate: the supervisor wanted to discuss the project with me alone. That meant that the specialist, who did not have the briefing powerpoints (I had them) would have to do with the first presentation without them and without me. I was angry.

Annoyance, stress, fatigue, disappointment, and anger combined to evoke my caustic remark when, having finally arrived at the subcontractor's location in time for the second presentation, I was informed by the project manager that two key personnel would come only after lunch. Any one of those conditions would have served as an excuse for my remarks, I initially tried to justify to myself. However, no justification exists for arrogance, and it was certainly arrogance that lay behind my words: whatever I had to say was more important than anything they had to do, and obviously that was not true.

I apologized to the project manager later. However, words don't dissolve; they don't run away; taking them back is nothing more than a vacuous expression.

While I know that I have not lost God's love, I was not thinking of God's presence when I made my unkind remark, and so I did not feel God's presence. The worst part? I lost an entire morning with God. That time will never be regained.

Clearly, I needed some time with God alone. After finishing the day of presentations, I ran to the nearby metro station where I knew there would be a line of cabs to assist me in my cab-plane-car dash to our Georgia branch. I grabbed a cab, driven by a courteous and calm middle-aged man from Pakistan. We chatted casually, and while the conversation was calming, it permitted no opportunity for time alone with God, as there had been none all day. I missed San Ignatio with its quiet spirituality.

Having swiftly picked up my ticket and passed through security without incident except for my typical random search, I took the airport train to the Delta terminal and made my way to Gate 76, keeping my eye out for any place at all for quiet prayer. There was none at all, just masses of people moving in cohorts to and from gates, into and out of restrooms and restaurants, and along the corridors. I missed even more San Ignatio's quiet spirituality where nearly every nook and cranny provides an opportunity for prayer.

I had more than an hour to wait for a now-delayed plane. I opted for a yogurt cone and seated myself at a table near a large potted plant, surrounded, of course, by other travelers.

My thoughts turned to my increasing unease. From whence these feelings? A change in the equilibrium of my life! I realized that I spend most of my time helping others, sometimes because I have been given a divine task, sometimes just because I stumble across someone in need (which may not always be accidental), and most often because those in need are people who work for me. My last few days, however, had been focused on me: the just-completed presentations in DC and the upcoming one in Georgia. I had moved away from helping others for lack of time (the employees to whom I had shut my door), lack of authority (the overturning of my decision by my supervisor), and lack of ability (the sick folk). I missed helping others, being God's helper. I missed time with God. It would be two more days before I would return to San Ignatio.

Even though I had no sense of God's presence while I waited for the plane, I wailed a silent prayer, spilling out those emotions and desires. I knew God would hear, understand, and forgive.

And then everything changed. Delta cancelled the flight. There were no other flights on Delta that night. I would miss the Georgia presentation, scheduled for early in the morning the next day. I called my admin assistant to inform the folks in Georgia, as Delta set about rescheduling all its passengers.

"Does anyone speak Russian?" one of the gate agents called out loudly, then a few seconds later, appealed "we really need someone who speaks Russian."

"I'll call you back," I told my admin assistant. Then I stood up and raised my hand, "I speak Russian."

The gate agent was visibly relieved. So were the mother and daughter who were trying to get back to Moscow via Atlanta. We very easily settled everything for them, and as their stress level eased, so did mine. (I find that happens a lot -- if you help someone who is stressed out, it eases your own feeling of stress.)

The grateful Delta agent offered to take me out of turn, but I waved off the offer, telling her that my office could handle my situation. It did. I ended up coming back to San Ignatio early! On a United non-stop flight direct to San Francisco. What could be better? How about a surprise complimentary upgrade to first class? Another redeye, but one on which I could sleep very comfortably.

All was right with the world. I was on my way back to San Ignatio. I wondered how much of this occurred because of my plaintive prayer about missing my quiet time with God. Ah, for any part of it -- and every part of it -- I am grateful.

All the way back home I could not sleep in spite of two short-sleep nights. The excitement of nearing San Ignatio overpowered every thought and emotion. God no longer has any need to look for this lost lamb. This lamb knows where to find the rest of her flock and her Shepherd!

What happened next? Unbelievable!

Looking back on that awful day and what I had done and felt, I should have been punished. Instead, a loving God brought me home to San Ignatio, back to Him in every meaning of that phrase, back to where I belong, where nothing of the material world matters. Now, too, I could look forward to being on time two days later for the retreat being led by Fr. Kevin, who also leads a contemplative-prayer-for-busy-people group in San Jose that I have participated in for nearly two years now. I would have had to arrive late because of returning from out of state.

I took the next day off from work -- I was owed comp time -- to be with God now that I was back in a spiritual environment. What a marvelous day that turned out to be!

The first thing after I arose (later than normal, yes!) I checked my email. Astonished, I read one note twice. It was the cancellation of a mandatory meeting on Friday, the second day of the retreat. I had worked it out with Fr. Kevin that it would be okay to miss Friday because of that meeting. Now I would have no distractions during the retreat!

A short while later, I attended noon Mass in the little chapel, celebrated by Fr. Paul on his last day in our community before returning home to Nigeria. Still reeling perhaps from my out-of-control behavior on Monday, I felt so very unworthy to be there and at the same time so loved. As I stood in line for communion, I could not keep the tears from pooling in my eyes, and I did not care if anyone saw them; we are all friends and all God's children.

Following Mass, two friends (one of them the person who assisted the priest in my RCIA class) asked me to join them for the rosary, after which we went out for cookies and milk. (I admit it; milk has always been my favorite drink.)

During our milk-and-cookie fest, I told my friends about my plaintive prayer, in which I bemoaned my separation from San Ignatio and loss of a sense of God's presence in the past few day's tumult, and how everything had suddenly worked out for me to spend the entire rest of the week with Him. One of my friends reiterated what a Sufi friend told me several years ago, word for word: "God spoils you."

Indeed, He does! And I am so very grateful!

(I posted the above story in two parts on my Modern Mysticism blog, but because of the title of this new, replacement-for-Blest-Atheist blog, it seemed apropros to include it here, as well.)

Thankful Thursday #: Peaceful Days

This week I have had many reasons to be thankful, so, leaving aside the past weekend, which I will chronicle in tomorrow's Quick Takes -- it was so full that the weekend adventures will occupy all seven slots -- let me list the ones that came to mind today.

Today, by the way, was a great day. I played hooky from work and spent the day at the St. Francis Retreat Center at the Day of Recollection that the retreat center staff puts on for Lenten Wednesdays, then in the evening managed to carve out time both for the Bible Study class and for the Penance service at Old Mission, double attendance being possible because our class went as a whole to confession, which took a little longer than usual because there were only two priests for a surprisingly large number of people who showed up. I was among the last in line, but it was worth the wait, and the music that played while we were waiting shaped our emotions into the needed tenor.

Perhaps, then, I will start with today's retreat center activities. Since I try to attend the days of recollection, whether on Lenten Wednesdays or First Fridays, in any given year being lucky enough to make about 30% of them, I have come to know the regular attendees over time pretty well. The core group is a like a gathering of friends. Today was no different. I sat with two people from my prayer group who also form part of the core group for the retreat center activities. Both are retired, so they are more regular than I am. One of them sat next to me during the morning session and the ensuing Mass. During the Mass, at which we were joined in the chapel by about 30 friars who were attending a meeting of some sort at the retreat center, the presence of God simply pervaded the entire chapel. I felt it very strongly. Knowing that often the friend who was sitting beside me does not feel God's presence as intensely as I do, I said a silent prayer, asking that she might also be aware of God's presence. After the Mass was over, she looked visibly moved. I asked her if she had felt a strong sense of God's presence as I had, and she said, "Yes, and especially when you touched me" during the kiss of peace. I am thankful for the answer to that prayer, as well as thankful for something that did not happen. During the morning, there was a sighting of Fr. Terry, my de facto spiritual advisor for the past three years and the former director who recently (as in two months ago) left the center for another position, following a transfer of functions at the center by the Franciscan regional order (to whose intentions and logic I can never see rhyme nor reason). He apparently was attending the meeting of friars. I glimpsed him briefly at Mass, but I was unable to make my way through the crowd to say hello before he disappeared. I miss him very much, and I pray for him as often as I can. (He is not young: 80+.) I was disappointed, of course, that I came so close, yet missed him, but not as much as I would have been had not a special book fallen into my hands recently. In this book, Abandonment to Divine Providence, deCaussade wrote, "When God lives in the soul, it has nothing left of self but only that which the spirit which actuates it imparts to it at each moment...often enough it is even deprived of a regular director, for God allows it no other support than that which He gives it Himself." I am extraordinarily grateful that this book popped into my hands at just the right moment in my life (as so much seems to do these days).

Yesterday, I had to go into work late because I had to pick up a good-bye mug for one of our administrative assistants whose last day was yesterday. (It was good that I took the time to get it because I could tell from the expression on her face when I presented it at the good-bye luncheon that she had expected it.) Donnie designs the mugs, and a local novelty shop makes them. They read "Bon voyage. Thanks for making Division C a better place." They also have the employee's name on the cup. They seem to be treasured by the departing employees, and I would not dare to forget one. With the mug carefully placed on the floor in the back seat, I headed to work only to be stopped by a rooster. Roosters have the right of way, legally, in San Ignatio, and this one seemed confused. He was not crossing the street, as the joke goes, to get to the other side. He just stood in front of me, leaving me no room on either left or right to get around him without his potentially running under my tires. I waited, and waited, and waited. I waited long enough to miss the meeting that I had promised to catch the tail end of. (The organizer told me it was the most unique excuse/justification he had ever heard! Held up by a rooster!) The longer I waited, the slower the day became and the calmer I became. I am very thankful to that rooster and the slow start to the day because I arrived in a "slow" frame of my mind, and the whole day was stress-free. I hope I can repeat that often. (Well, maybe without the rooster!)

I am very thankful for our cats, Murjan (Arabic: coral - an immigrant from Jordan, he has a white coral body and a red coral markings), Intrepid (another Jordanian), and Simone (a local feral cat whom I tamed). They bring us such pleasure. Murjan is an especially social cat and misses me when I am away. Since we returned Sunday night from a weekend in Los Angeles, preceded by my week in Maryland, Murjan has not left my side. Of course, he began by jumping onto the kitchen table and begging for treats (his manners are not the best in that respect), but once he had inhaled those in 2-3 big bites, he jumped onto the couch beside me and nothing would entice him away. It has been that way all week; if I get up to do something, he follows and sits beside me until I come back to some place more comfortable, where he then lies down.

I could include more things about which to be thankful. A supervisor who came and presented a plaque with the names of my employees who had been recognized for service to the organization and distinguished performance; in the process, she made everyone, including me, feel valued. My prayer group met at my house on Monday evening and watched China Cry (I recommend it), during and after which we all cried -- and then ate some berries and cream. On Monday, I was able to have a senior staff meeting; everyone was back for the first time in weeks, including one supervisor who had safely returned from Afghanistan. Indeed, I could go on. It has been one of those weeks that makes up for the difficult ones. A week permeated by an attitude of gratitude because the days themselves have been resplendent with reasons to say thank you to colleagues, friends, God.

More information about the Thankful Thursday meme can be found at the website of Grace Alone.

7 Quick Takes Friday #19

This week has been so concentrated on preparation for our annual review, entertainment (well, most people considered it hosting and briefing, but I find visitors entertaining), and conduct of the meeting all day Thursday that I wondered if there were even seven different "moments" to write about. But apparently they were -- barely. In fact, the time for this week's contribution to the Quick Takes Friday meme hosted by Jennifer Futwiler at Conversion Diary appeared all too suddenly; it just stole up on me.

1. I might as well start with yesterday's potted plant duty. That is what the three other directorate chiefs and I call those kinds of meetings, hosted by our CEO and board, where all we are required to do is come and sit for hour after hour while the CEO briefs the visitors. Thursday was no different. A full day of sitting is difficult for me because I am hyperactive. At least, there was one interesting interlude where one of the regulators put the CEO on the defensive and the barrage of questions was turned over to me to answer; the answers were accepted, even liked (God always seems to give me the right words to use in these kinds of tense situations -- a quick silent prayer helps a lot), so it was important that I was there, if only for that one talking plant moment. (Photo from Jeg's web.)

2. In the evening, I got to expend some of my pent up energy by leading the Stations of the Cross with our catechism teens. We went to the garden walk where we have a set of the stations. It was a bit chilly, but these are teens; they always seem to have warm blood. The kids loved the fact that Suli, the parish's feral cat whom everyone watches out for and who sleeps in the garden and attends Mass, was very interested in our prayers. She walked from one station to the next with us, sat down and waited as we did the readings at the station, then moved with us to the next station, just as if she were truly understanding what it was we were doing. After we got back to our classroom, our faith formation director found out what we had done (we have done it every year, but I guess no one knew) and told us that we are not allowed to walk in the garden with the kids because of potential liability issues. Someone might get hurt. Huh? What has the world come to?! Donnie and I used to take Girl Scouts 8-10 years old, on multiple-day canoe trips and backpacking trips deep into the wilderness in the "old days." There was great opportunity to get hurt; no one would ever think of suing us or the Scouts. Sheesh! Let's turn the clock back!

3. Yippee! Shane passed his security clearance late last week. On Monday, he got a conditional job offer from California Highway Patrol, where he worked for 12 years when he was in his early twenties (started at age 19, the youngest dispatcher ever accepted at CHP, and immediately won an award given to him personally by the governor of California for saving the life of a fellow dispatcher who had a heart attack while dispatching a three-county chase and for successfully taking on the dispatching in that two-person office so that the police officers had no idea that he was also doing CPR; the other dispatcher lived and the criminal being chased was caught); he clearly has a solid reputation there. The conditional offer is contingent on passing a medical exam, which he took on Tuesday. Everyone knows the dilemma with him needing medical insurance for his two kids with birth defects, so they have been kindly pushing the preliminaries rapidly. It looks like he may be able to start work on April 1, just about the time that Donnie and I would start to struggle with continuing to pay his COBRA.

4. Several months ago, Lizzie took on a personal trainer at her local gym -- she is a professor in South Carolina these days. She has dropped so much weight (and gained muscle and tone) that she had to have all of her clothes taken in this week. I have lost two dress sizes, as well, and now I can pass along my outgrown clothes to her because she has dropped to what I was. Donnie is now intrigued, but he wants to lose weight a third way (I count calories and Lizzie trains). He bought some kind of diet plan that he is following. We shall see how well it works. I think the old-fashioned ways are probably best: eat less and exercise more.

5. Saturday night Donnie and I had a pleasant good-bye Mexican-style dinner here in one of our beloved San Ignatio restaurants, Los Jardines (the gardens). This particular employee has been stationed in Egypt for two years now, so he makes it back here very rarely. I had needed him to direct a new project until we could get a permanent director in place, and he willingly came back for three months. He is young and from Jordan, where Donnie and I lived for a couple of years. I met his mother once, and she was very worried about his safety in the USA. (Just like Americans tend to think of the Middle East as an unsafe place, so do Middle Easterners think of the USA as an unsafe place.) His mother was quite relieved by my promise to be her son's American mother. I know she took that promise seriously, so I, too, take it seriously. We enjoyed the dinner, but it was sad to say good-bye again.

6. As part of the regulatory board meeting, I had two visitors to my office this week. One was a two-star general, who was the most pleasant person; it turned out that we had a lot of experiences in common. I heard later that he was very impressed with my directorate's work. That is always a double-edged sword. First, one does like to be appreciated, and it is often a relief when someone with great authority considers one's efforts at least competent. Second, and on the other hand, it often means being given increased responsibility, more programs, and more money (but not more resources!), creating a greater span of control and even more stress. The second visitor is a very high-ranking person within the US government and someone I met many years ago when I was working for the US government in a consulting capacity. So, I have trouble being highly serious with him; I just enjoy talking to him, bringing him up to date on our activities, and sharing funny stories of our getting into and out of trouble. He told me that whenever we meet or he is briefed by me, he leaves on a high note. Aww! :) Maybe it is because I don't worry about making a good impression on people; I only ask that God splash His love onto them through me -- and God seems to answer that prayer a lot.

7. Nikolina has a new pastime. I posted the pictures that are here earlier this week on the Twitterlets, but those will be replaced with new pictures over time, so I am including them here to preserve them, as well as to explain them better. Nikolina is entering such a fun age as she approaches the end of her first year, surprisingly healthy and on target for all developmental milestones. All her surgeries and months in the hospital seem to have taken little from her. Rather, she has developed quite a sense of humor at a very young age. It reminds me of both Noelle and Doah, who spent most of their first year in the hospital yet were very happy babies, toddlers, children, and teens and are adults whose personalities are dominated by a sense of humor and enjoyment of life, even the wonder of it all. Shane captured Nikolina at her bottle-throwing game. She heaves the bottle, watches it fall, then cracks up at herself for doing it. It's a joy to watch!

And now I wish all of you a joyful weekend!